Jokes & Funnies

[Mart]

[Techno Commander]

That reminds me of this one.

[Mart]

Beaut

Wonder how much thats worth in the plumbing trade.

[Mart]

[Mart]

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[Mart]

How do you confuse and Archeologist?

Give him a Tampon and ask him what period it was from.

[Mart]

The pretty young schoolteacher was concerned about one of her eleven year old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Victor, why has your schoolwork been so poor lately?"

"I can’t concentrate," replied the boy. "I’ve fallen in love."

"Is that so?" said the teacher, holding back an urge to smile. "With whom?"

"With you," he answered.

"But Victor," exclaimed the secretly pleased young lady, "don’t you see how silly that is? It’s true that I would like a husband of my own someday; but I don’t want a child."

"Oh, don’t worry," said Victor reassuringly. "I’ll be careful."

[Mart]

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid replies, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humouring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

[The Grand Wazoo]

Kulula Air is a budget airline in South Africa that tries not to take itself too seriously.






The captain’s window is marked with the big cheese (”captain, my captain!”), the co-pilot’s window with co-captain (the other pilot on the PA system) and the jump seat is for wannabe pilots.

In addition, the following descriptions of plane parts can be found:

•galley (cuppa anyone?)
•avionics (fancy navigation stuff)
•windows (best view in the world)
•wing #1 and #2
•engine #1 and #2 (26 000 pounds of thrust)
•emergency exit = throne zone (more leg room baby!)
•seats (better than taxi seats)
•some windows = kulula fans (the coolest peeps in the world)
•black box (which is actually orange)
•landing gear (comes standard with supa-fly mags)
•back door (no bribery/corruption here)
•tail (featuring an awesome logo)
•loo (or mile-high club initiation chamber)
•rudder (the steering thingy)
•stabiliser (the other steering thingy)
•a.p.u. (extra power when you need it most)
•galley (food, food, food, food…)
•boot space
•ZS-ZWP (OK-PIK) = secret agent code (aka plane’s registration)
•overhead cabins (VIP seating for your hand luggage)
•fuel tanks (the go-go juice)
•cargo door
•aircon ducts (not that kulula needs it… they’re already cool)
•front door (our door is always open … unless we’re at 41 000 feet)
•cockpit window = sun roof
•nose cone (radar, antenna, and a really big dish inside)

And apparently this is all true:

attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety
lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real
examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"


2. On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."


3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."


4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."


5. "Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."


6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"


7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."


8. From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth .... To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."


9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."


10. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"


11. Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"


12. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."


13. After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."


14. Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light "em, you can smoke 'em."

[Techno Commander]

I was in South Africa a couple of years ago. I took this photo of a Kulula aircraft because I was impressed with its paint job.