Jokes & Funnies

[Filterlab]

Man these are good.

[Mike]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren"

And *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna” and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks

"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter .

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.

"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

[Mike]

Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?

Woman's Answer: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don'teven know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the # &%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to standon to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!

IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED
FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!

IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE!

AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!
I'm sorry.. What was the question?

[Mike]

Spiders on drugs.......

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1734043

[Mike]

I walked into B&Q and some guy dressed in orange asked me if I wanted decking.

Fortunately, I got the first punch in and that was the end of that.

[Filterlab]

That is very good indeed.

[Mike Reed]

Rather distressed lady says to her doctor,

"Doctor, I've been going out of my mind recently with hallucinations and bad dreams of Heathrow Airport"

"I'm awfully sorry, madam,", the doctor said after an examination, " but I do believe this condition could be terminal."

[Mike]

Oh no!.... please...

[Chris Frost]

Spoof Tom Cruise interview

[Mike Reed]

A lady take a rather lifeless parrot to her local vet.

"He hasn't eaten for days, doctor; he just seems to sleep a lot at present. Can you check him over?" the lady said.

The vet puts the parrot on the table and performs an examination.

"I'm afraid your pet is deceased," the vet said.

"NO, that's not possible, doctor: he's been with me for years, and I'm sure he's simply a little under the weather. Could I have a second opinion, please?"

The vet goes next door and comes back with a big, powerful looking cat. The cat leans over the parrot, touches it in various places with its paws, stares at it for a few minutes, then turns round to the vet and shakes his head.

"Madam" the vet then says, " I'm sorry, but our cat tends to confirm my analysis."

"I will not accept that" the lady said vehemently," my beloved parrot has simply gone into suspended animation; maybe he's got a tropical fever. I demand another opinion!"

The vet then calls in his big black Labrador dog, saying " Madam, this dog's intuition cannot be faulted".

The dog then puts his paws up onto the table, sniffs audibly right round the parrot's body twice, lifts up its tail and snuffles into its ears.

"Well?" the vet asks of the dog, " What do you think, boy?"

"Woof woof, whine, howl," the dog articulated, swinging his snout from side to side.

"THere you are, madam," the vet then said, exasperated. "Do you believe me NOW?"

The lady disconsolately agrees with the findings and asks for the bill, which duly arrives.

"Good Lord!" she exclaims, "why is this bill so high, when all you've done is tell me my dear parrot is dead?" expostulates the woman.

"Well madam," the vet replied, "You didn't believe my first prognosis, so I'm afraid you've had to pay for the cat scan and a lab report as well."